My Best Friend's Girl
by Samtastic Sami
Summary: Edward has a hobby: being a professional asshole. Hey, he's got to make a living somehow. Getting couples back together? Psh, no prob. But finding love? Big prob. Especially when his desperate best friend gets dumped and resorts to Edward's method.AH,AU


**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT.**

**READ A/N AT BOTTOM!**

* * *

Slamming the door, I followed her up to her door.

"Hey babe, where you goin'?"

"To bed."

"Well, you can't be going without me." I gave my signature cocky smile and batted my eyelashes at her.

"Go away!" She shouted before slamming the door in my face. That stunned me, but only for a second.

Quickly regaining my composure, I banged on her door.

"What?!" She screeched as she opened the door.

"Why won't you let me in? 'Cuz if you don't want me inside, you can just come out and blow me right here," I said as I spread my arms wide open before unzipping my fly.

"Screw you, asshole!" She yelled before shutting the door, yet again.

"I know you wanna!" I yelled back before knocking again.

"_WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME ASSHOLE!"_

"Whoa, back down there, babe. Why're you so angry?" I held my hands up defensively as she stepped outside and started poking me in the chest.

"Why am I _angry_? Why the hell do you think I am?! I can give you 10 good reasons right now! It was the worse date I've ever been on! You're a fucking asshole!"

I thought back to our night when it started just two hours ago.

_**1. **__I arrived at her house. She was a little miffed at me being an hour late._

_**2. **__I helped her into the car, explaining how the stereo was broken._

"_I'm sorry, but the stereo is broken. It's like I just can't adjust the volume. Every time I turn on the car it keeps playing this song, over and over." I started the car and loud rap music reverberated throughout the car, blaring the vulgar language that scared the crap out of my date._

_**3.**__ My phone started ringing, so of course I picked it up. Did it really matter that I was driving? "Hello? Sarah, is that you? No way! No, no – no way! I don't believe you. There is no way you are pregnant! Oh, really? Well then, fine! Why don't I come over there right now and you can marry me?! So your sister is pregnant too? Well fuck both of you!" I yelled into my phone and looked back at my date. "Sorry, ex-girlfriend. Here talk to her," I said as I tried handing to phone to her, barely missing a pedestrian._

"_Nuh-uh," she said and pushed my hand back to me._

_**4**__. We arrived at the little Mexican restaurant where my old buddy Riley worked and sat us at our table. "Hey man, what can I start you two off with?"_

"_Um, okay, how about two mojitos."_

"_Oh, no, I don't drink," my date said. "No, they're for me." "Oh, never mind," she mumbled._

_**5.**__ Riley brought over our orders. The girl looked down; I couldn't even remember her name. "Oh, no, there's no way I can eat this, it's way too much," she said._

"_Yeah, Riley, maybe you should take it back. She really shouldn't be eating this much; better yet, she shouldn't be eating, period. She really needs to be laying off the fats, am I right?" Riley nodded and gave her a look, while she gave me a look as well._

_**6.**__ She was eating her food and looked back into the kitchen, which was open and in her view. I looked back too and saw a little Chihuahua on the counter where they were making the tortillas. The chef fed the dog something unidentifiable, and as the dog was licking it up, the man scooped it up from it and dumped it into a frying pan. I looked back at my date and saw her look of disgust. "Don't worry, that's what gives the food its zing. That's actually the only reason why I come here. Aw, just eat up. It's not like you're gonna be getting any fatter."_

_**7.**__ I followed my date into the bathroom, holding her brown hair up as she hurled the contents of her dinner into the porcelain bowl, probably from the dog thing. "If you were bulimic, why didn't you tell me? Then I wouldn't have had to have wasted money feeding you and you could've just gone for anorexic. Don't you know what stomach acid does to your teeth?"_

_**8.**__ "Here's your check, senor," Riley said as he came over to our table. _

"_Oh, well, I think you should pay the check. I mean, since I'm the guy, if I pay that makes it too official, and I thought it's better if we take things slow. Soooo… here's the check." And I slid it over to her as she huffed in annoyance._

_**9.**__ "Oh my gosh, did you check out the rack on that waitress? Whoo! She was smokin'! And she had an ass too!" I whistled as I sped past a red light. I glanced back at her and she noticed me giving her a once over. "Too bad I'm with you," I grumbled to myself, but loud enough for her to hear. _

_**10.**__ And then there was now, right here on her porch steps._

She slammed the door in my face again and I walked back to my car.

I reviewed what happened on our date again and sighed.

_Yes. What a wonderful date._

* * *

I drove over to the bar, _New Moon_, where I saw my buddy Mike.

"Hey man, thanks for coming over."

"No problem," I said with a shrug. "It was all in a day's work."

He grinned back at me before his ringtone went off.

_Let's have some fun, this beat is sick_

_I wanna take a ride on your disco stick_

_Let's have some fun, this beat is sick_

_I wanna take a ride on your disco stick_

"You have got to be fucking me man," I said laughing.

"You are such a prick, you gay bastard! No wonder your girlfriend left you! I can finally see why you called me," I said with a shake of my head.

"Shut up, Cullen. Hello?"

"_I just had the worst date of my life!"_ I heard the sobbing voice of my date from tonight.

Ah, just like that I got my pal back together with his fiancée.

Aren't I the best?

I went back to scoping the dance floor of the club and found a hot piece of ass.

"Hello there, sweet thang," I said with a wink as I set a drink down in front of her.

Ten minutes later we were in the parking lot and I had her pressed up against the wall.

"Let's get out of here."

"Sure. Just let me get my purse." I nodded.

"Oh, by the way, I'm Tanya."

"I'm Edward." I really was the best.

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**A/N: Based on the movie. I love Dane Cook. I won't stick to the movie exactly, don't worry. Please review! And if there are any suggestions! Please, feel free to write! AH, AU, M?**

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